Crying in Panera (the day after my birthday)

Johnmark here. I just wanted to give you a personal update on what is going on, and hope its encouraging.

Jessica and I got back to the US. We have simultaneously been going none-stop and doing nothing. If you have ever up and moved your whole life you know exactly how that is possible. So far we have been dealing with: Job hunting, cheap apartment in NYC finding, paying for school, re-establishing our lives (phones, meeting up with people), applying for medicaid/food stamps, helping family with different issues that come up,  and most of all: waiting. That's the hardest part. Which brings me to the post title.

I found myself in a Panera drinking refillable coffee and waiting. Did not want to wait at home anymore, but did not really have anything to do. I decided, what the heck, I will just listen to some music, and might as well try to "worship" while I am at it. So I stuck on one of my favorite worship albums. One that I had not listen to for a while. I did not expect God to show up, but as usual He did.

Below are some samples of quotes that are were meaningful to me from this album. The album name is: "O God, Where are you now?" by Esther and Kris Sparks. I highly recomend the album.

I hope these speak to you as they did to me. And I hope you are encouraged. They have helped me wait. As this is a worship album, all songs are talking to or about God. It makes most sense to read them in order, all the way through. This was the worship experience I had through these songs.

 "Stop ignoring, start listening to me. Stop forgetting, start remembering me. Don't be silent any more, get up, help me. I am wrecked from wrestling, I need blessing, bless me."

"O God, where are you now?" "Your right here with me. Right inside of me"

"Sometimes I can't believe that You exist at all"

"Sometimes it seems that all of this may be a lie, how could any of these strange ideas be right"

"Then, I hear Your voice, and it goes deeper then I knew I had depth"

"I am leaving all my fear in your hands. I am leaving all my cares on your heart. I have been terrified that you would leave and everything would fall apart." 

"I have been so guilty because I am so needy, still after all you have done for me. I thought I knew you loved me, I have been holding on so tightly, I can barely breath."

"Abba, I am letting Go I can no longer hold on, I am not strong enough for this"

"How many times must I let go of me before my hands are free to hold you" 

"I spread my hands out before you, I thirst for you like a parched land" 

"O the closeness of the Father is closer then breath, closer then air, closer then water"

"O the care of the maker, of who I am made""O the love of the Savior, by whom we are saved"

"And nothing is hidden in all of creation. We are lade bare before your eyes, we are not rejected but accepted by our source, by our love" 

 "Your mine, mine, mine, Your my loving God"

"Your name is written on my heart, my name is carved into Your hands"

"I am not alone, for I am not a orphan, I am created, I am amazing, when I awake I am still with You. For you created my inmost being you knit me together in the secret place" 

"For all the days written out for me were written on your pages before one of them came to be"

"You have searched me and I am utterly known" 

"Even in all my self-hate I am learning I am very, very loved by you"

"Rescue me from my shamefulness.... Rescue me from my fears... Rescue me from my regret and from my pretense O God, for I hide my self in You" 

"Show me God the way I should go, cause it's to you I lift my soul" 

"You have not given us a spirit that makes us a slave, to being afraid of never getting it right, you have given us Him, spirit of sonship and by Him we can cry: Abba, father" 

"Seen, and known, and holy, received, no stain guilt"

"You have seen through every part of me, where can I go to get away from You?" "Where can I escape to get away from the eyes of the living one?" 

"This is what I do, I say 'You are so large and so busy you must be so very sick of me, always so needy, always the same need, mercy.' But you hem me in behind and before"

"Your love is so near, Your love is so deep, you leave no part unknown, no part unreached"

"Love one another, with a deep love"