Crying in Panera (the day after my birthday)

Johnmark here. I just wanted to give you a personal update on what is going on, and hope its encouraging.

Jessica and I got back to the US. We have simultaneously been going none-stop and doing nothing. If you have ever up and moved your whole life you know exactly how that is possible. So far we have been dealing with: Job hunting, cheap apartment in NYC finding, paying for school, re-establishing our lives (phones, meeting up with people), applying for medicaid/food stamps, helping family with different issues that come up,  and most of all: waiting. That's the hardest part. Which brings me to the post title.

I found myself in a Panera drinking refillable coffee and waiting. Did not want to wait at home anymore, but did not really have anything to do. I decided, what the heck, I will just listen to some music, and might as well try to "worship" while I am at it. So I stuck on one of my favorite worship albums. One that I had not listen to for a while. I did not expect God to show up, but as usual He did.

Below are some samples of quotes that are were meaningful to me from this album. The album name is: "O God, Where are you now?" by Esther and Kris Sparks. I highly recomend the album.

I hope these speak to you as they did to me. And I hope you are encouraged. They have helped me wait. As this is a worship album, all songs are talking to or about God. It makes most sense to read them in order, all the way through. This was the worship experience I had through these songs.

 "Stop ignoring, start listening to me. Stop forgetting, start remembering me. Don't be silent any more, get up, help me. I am wrecked from wrestling, I need blessing, bless me."

"O God, where are you now?" "Your right here with me. Right inside of me"

"Sometimes I can't believe that You exist at all"

"Sometimes it seems that all of this may be a lie, how could any of these strange ideas be right"

"Then, I hear Your voice, and it goes deeper then I knew I had depth"

"I am leaving all my fear in your hands. I am leaving all my cares on your heart. I have been terrified that you would leave and everything would fall apart." 

"I have been so guilty because I am so needy, still after all you have done for me. I thought I knew you loved me, I have been holding on so tightly, I can barely breath."

"Abba, I am letting Go I can no longer hold on, I am not strong enough for this"

"How many times must I let go of me before my hands are free to hold you" 

"I spread my hands out before you, I thirst for you like a parched land" 

"O the closeness of the Father is closer then breath, closer then air, closer then water"

"O the care of the maker, of who I am made""O the love of the Savior, by whom we are saved"

"And nothing is hidden in all of creation. We are lade bare before your eyes, we are not rejected but accepted by our source, by our love" 

 "Your mine, mine, mine, Your my loving God"

"Your name is written on my heart, my name is carved into Your hands"

"I am not alone, for I am not a orphan, I am created, I am amazing, when I awake I am still with You. For you created my inmost being you knit me together in the secret place" 

"For all the days written out for me were written on your pages before one of them came to be"

"You have searched me and I am utterly known" 

"Even in all my self-hate I am learning I am very, very loved by you"

"Rescue me from my shamefulness.... Rescue me from my fears... Rescue me from my regret and from my pretense O God, for I hide my self in You" 

"Show me God the way I should go, cause it's to you I lift my soul" 

"You have not given us a spirit that makes us a slave, to being afraid of never getting it right, you have given us Him, spirit of sonship and by Him we can cry: Abba, father" 

"Seen, and known, and holy, received, no stain guilt"

"You have seen through every part of me, where can I go to get away from You?" "Where can I escape to get away from the eyes of the living one?" 

"This is what I do, I say 'You are so large and so busy you must be so very sick of me, always so needy, always the same need, mercy.' But you hem me in behind and before"

"Your love is so near, Your love is so deep, you leave no part unknown, no part unreached"

"Love one another, with a deep love"

Riding the Bus

Have you seen the "Pursuit of Happyness"? Its a great movie with Will Smith about a man who overcomes great odds to provide for his family.  In that movie there is a section of his life that he calls "riding the bus." It shows the extent of what he will do to provide for his family, as well as the hardship it takes for him to succeed. You also get the sense that because he had this experience he is a better man because of it.

How does this relate you ask? Well Jess and I were talking the other day about how our experience in Thailand also has  had a "riding the bus" effect. We often find ourselves hot, tired, annoyed at traffic, dealing with difficult people, squished, over our heads, unsure what to do next, and literally riding the bus. We ask ourselves "is it all worth it? What is the purpose of putting ourselves through this type of trying experience? Instead of riding the bus can't we just take a taxi for once? IT WOULD MAKE LIFE SO MUCH SIMPLER!!!" 

Well the other day I had a sort of revelation, while riding the bus none the less. The reason we come to a place and work with the type of people we do, the reason we ride the bus, is because that is where you see Jesus best. When you are among the masses, bumping shoulders and sweating on each other is when you finally get to the point where you need Jesus to enter your life. With out that experience I do not think I would naturally rely on Jesus. It is also where you see the faces of people that Jesus loves more then you ever could. You get to literally be Jesus to the sick and needy.

If I had not been riding the bus I would not have been riding slow enough to notice the at least 15 street prostitutes working on the side of the street. I would not have been able to have the time or want to pray for them.

So although I am a great proponent of restful experiences, I wanted to let you know that I recently have been challenged to look at the opportunity I have to be among hurting people and see what God wants me to learn from it. I hope it challenges you.

We leave in 2 weeks. Pray for us as we try to transfer back to life in NYC. Pray Jess gets a job.
Pray that we will continue to see the people God has given to us to minister too.
Pray for little Earn who got in the motorcycle accident. We found out her left side of her brain is totally dead. This makes rehabilitation much more difficult, but God is greater!

Songkran and other notes

Only two more months in Thailand. It has been like living in a dream. How can we almost be done with this chapter of life? I think life just moves faster when you are constantly interacting with new people as well as involved so deeply in the inter-workings of a ministry.

Lets dive into what has happened in the last month.

Jess and I have been able to make friends with a women and her daughter who are refugees from Sri Lanka. We have been able to eat with them a couple times, and hear their story of survival. Refugees in Thailand do not have any support from Thailand, and this family has been barely making it. But of course that did not hinder them from inviting us over to there small un-air conditioned apartment for an amazing dinner. We had been praying for them to receive official refugee status and be able to move to America, and praise God they were able to finally get that! They hope to be able to fly out by the end of July. Who knows, maybe we will see them in America one day?

Love meeting different people!

We were also able to enjoy a much needed break over Thai new year, which is called Songkran. For those of you who do not know, this holiday consists of every single person out on the streets throwing water in varying degrees of coldness at each other. Also included are people smearing paste on your face, loud music blaring, motorcycles with out mufflers roaring down the street, and a general crazy party atmosphere. It gets a little insaine, however its also a lot of fun if you are prepared for it :)
We were able to go up to Chaing Mai (northern Thailand) and visit a family friend (Melody (Long) Standford) for a couple of the holiday days. It was a much needed relaxation and a great time reconnecting, talking deeply and encouragement.

Us after braving a day of Sungkran in Bangkok!

Besides these things, we have been keeping up with our normal duties. I have been doing a lot more work attempting to set up an art show for a Well student. She is a painter and I am trying to help her get her art out to the public. When I am not doing that, I teach too.
Jess keeps on trucking with the counseling amid a lot of difficulties with booking translators. Of course she also is doing a great job teaching a class on community.
We also have been enjoying a small group from our church, as well as random hang outs with the Well students as well as our co-workers. We have made a small group of friends and also try to spend time with them.

Keep us in your prayers as we continue to try to persevere working hard to the end. Also as we try and leave well, seeing those we can and encourging the staff and students at the Well.

We are looking forward to seeing you soon!

Johnmark's Expirences and our future

To start off I wanted to post a little bit about what I have been doing (and continue to do) at The Well. I figured it was only fair for you to hear what I do, since last time Jessica shared her expirences.

My job title at The Well is a little harder to nail down then Jessica's. I would say I am the Education department assistant. The education department is one of the ways The Well attempts to fulfill its mission to help the women become healthier individuals. This department would do this mostly through structured classes on particular subjects. What does my specific job entail? Well it changes week by week but I can give you an overview.

• I have and continue to help develop the education departments goals, structure and curriculum. I also help organize the logistics of the class schedule: What class is when, and who teaches it.
• I am one of those teachers and have been teaching a Bible class since January on the basic Bible stories found in the Old Testament. You know, those stories we all heard when we were 7. However I get to teach them to adults who either do not recognize the stories or have never heard them. The central theme to my class is: Every verse of the Bible points to Jesus and His grace. 
• The other weekly task I have is attending a leaders meeting in which I try to take notes on the decisions being made, as well as be an outside "third party" voice. 
• When I am not doing these things, I am trying to help one of the student leaders of The Well develop her art business. Basically since she does not really know how internet sales works, I am trying to help her set up a way to sell her art on line. This includes trying to figure out how to put her art online (as it is paintings)
• At the moment I am also helping one day a week in the children's center. Basically I get to play with kids for the morning, and help the main workers keep them in line. This is a pretty fun part of my week, as it is a job I a quite familiar with. 

So there is the summary of what I do. It keeps me busy for sure. It can be something that is over my head, especially in the area of organization, but I have enjoyed being a help were I can, as well as stepping into holes that need filling.

You can pray as I try to keep the education department on track. Also since parts of my job are not needed every week, pray as I try to listen and step into places that need help.

Ok. Now for a switch in topics.

So if you have been adding up the months you will have realized that we are approaching our pre-advertised 9 month stay in Bangkok. We were hoping to make a decision about were to go after this point. We indeed have decided.

We are returning to America (more specifically New York City) at the end of June. We actually have already booked (some) of our flight.

So here is the reasoning:
1. Johnmark was able to get into a difficult Social Work masters program in NYC for this fall.
2. We were feeling that we did not have a centralized base of personal support in the US for long term missions support.
3. We realized we love social work missions, but felt under-trained and spiritually unready to step into this world long term.
4. We felt our strongest gifts were not being utilized in the current ministry we were doing
5. We felt a draw to be near our families at this time of our lives, and since some major life events have come to pass in their lives since we have been in Thailand. 

We have loved Thailand, The Well and the people we get to work with. It has been a great learning and growing experience. We also have really been able to see God work very directly. But at this moment we just do not feel ready to jump into this world full time.

If you would like to talk to us more about what we are doing in the states, as well as what will be going on in our lives as we transition, please contact us! We plan to keep on putting updates and pictures until we leave so please keep on checking!.

Whew. Sorry for the long update, so much happening!

Johnmark and Jessica

My Experiences with Counseling, a note from Jessica

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As many of you know I am not a licensed counselor. Though I have had many “counseling like” conversations with kids about bullying, or with single moms about the struggles of parenting; I was not prepared for the stories I would hear weekly from the women at The Well.

To give you a little history, before venturing off to Thailand I thought I would be teaching classes and helping with intake of new women. For those of you who don’t know, The Well it is a ministry that reaches female sex workers in Bangkok, teaches them basic education, life skills and the love of Jesus in the hopes of sending them out as agents of change. Upon arriving I was informed I might be able to help with the casework of some of the women. I was excited. However, due to unexpected staff changes at The Well, I quickly was made a full time counselor. Fourteen women from broken families, a different culture and who spoke a difficult language became my caseload. Though still excited, I was overwhelmed and most days I still am. I often come home, lie on my bed and let out a huge sigh of relief that the day is done. Because of this situation, many questions and thoughts have popped into my mind.

“Should I be doing this, I don’t have the right degree?”

“ I could seriously hurt someone by something I say!”

“I want to do things well, and I don’t know what I am doing.”

I still struggle with these ideas and thoughts as I attempt to move forward as well as lend support to these hurting women. What to do? Well here some of my thoughts.

In one of my earliest sessions a women disclosed a deeply painful experience to me from her childhood and ended the story with “I have never told anyone this before.” At this moment I felt God calling me to listen, smile, look deeply into her eyes and express love with a touch or a prayer. I thought, “Feeling alone in a world of pain is brutal, I could at least help women know they are not alone, I can at least offer love”.  

As I stepped out to offer friendship and love to the women at The Well, Jesus has given me words of wisdom, truth and hope. So though I am far from ready to do what I am doing, God is ready for me to be at The Well and meet each precious woman.

I praise him for that daily. He is the true healer, counselor and friend. Please continue to pray for me as I learn to counsel these women. I am learning new things each day. Some topics that I often deal with are: rape, abandonment, physical abuse, false religion/spirits and curses, relational conflict, marriage and teen parenting.

As I counsel women, pray that God would open our eyes to his truth in these areas. Pray that we will learn together to receive the counsel, comfort and truth of God’s word. Pray that we see him and enjoy our new life in him, casting of the old self and truly living as new creations.

Market life. Notice the sign in the upper right...

Little Earn doing much better!

Noodle Soup Friends!!

Half Done?

We have reached the half way mark! Of what? Well we committed to 9 months in Bangkok and we are getting to the end of 4 months. Ya I know, not quite half way, but hey close enough. For those of you wondering "Has anything changed, are they staying in Bangkok?"

Simple answer: We still don't have a clear direction.

What we do know is this:

We love the people we get to talk with every day. We love the almost daily Sung tao rides where we get to experience the thriving life of Bangkok. We love sitting down, slurping up our favorite Thai dishes on the side of the street. We love making our neighbors smile and laugh as we attempt to communicate in Thaiglish to them and others. We love being known as the farong (white) couple that will talk to you, and pray for you, even if you don't understand. We love holding the multiple babies we are given to hold. We love singing, and listening to Thais sing to Jesus. We love discussing Jesus with strangers, or new found friends.

We also miss our family and friends we had in the US. We miss the families that we got to pour Jesus into daily. We miss having a community of people that encourages us to grow. We miss the teenagers who would come ring our door bell just to hang out. We miss not being able to simply share God to the women who wants us to pray for her injured legs because we don't know Thai.

Why do I share this? Well as you probably know, decisions are never easy. Especially since we feel God could do anything with us (we are open to Him)! We took some time at the beginning of this month to fast and pray for God to keep directing us this year. And though there were no clear answers He was and still is faithful to continue our path of learning and growing.

So pray!

• For those we interact with. Whether we have years or months with them, that they will see Jesus and continue to grow towards him. 
• For The Well that we can continue being of service to help their ministry grow towards the future.
• For us, that God will show and direct or way daily, and that we will have peace in what He says about where to take our life. I think at this point it will be a joyously sad decision to make either way!!!

Making cupcakes for a friends wedding

Jam teaching his class

Our apartment building (Jarlen Mansion)

Hanging out with some friends at the wedding

On our way in a Sung Tao

Some of the (few) boys! 

O The People You Meet! (Testimonies)

Happy New Year! I thought to be more original Jess and I would do a update on New Years rather then Christmas. You know, because we are cool like that :)

For this update I am going to attempt to summarize some of the peoples stories Jess or I (or both) have heard while here in Thailand.  These are all amazing testimonies of Gods faithfulness and work! Hope it blesses you as much as it has us. It has been amazing to be involved even in small ways in some of these peoples stories. Note: I am going to attempt to keep these people anonymous, however if by some chance of God you know these people by their stories please do not say who they are.

Lin is a new Christian. Like three-four months old. She has also been at The Well for about that time (no coincidence there). Before coming to The Well she was a free lance prostitute on the China town streets. Suffice it to say, this is not a nice or happy place to work, and she found her self there because she had no other option to provide for her family. She now has one of the strongest and simplest faiths in God I have seen. She may not have every detail of her life figured out, she may need discipleship, however her faith is a fire if I have ever seen one. Now if you havn't seen God at work yet just wait. Her three year old daughter gets in a motorcycle crash. This daughters head smacks the pavement straight on. She thankfully gets transported to a hospital really fast. The doctors do emergency surgery but it looks grim, they don't think she'll come out of a-coma and if she does they think she will be a vegetable. Of course we tell everyone to pray, but the most amazing thing is the mom. Lin, who although scared, has faith that "her God will heal her baby." Her daughter now is continuing to recover at one of The Well staffs home. She is awake, and making continued progress recovering. Thank you Jesus for answering prayers of simple faith!!!

Rahman is from the middle east. He fled from his home country because he was being persecuted. While still there God changed his life and he rejected Islam. The crazy thing is he did not know the name for this God. He just knew he had to follow the real God that kept on appearing to him. This led him to have to leave his family and be rejected by all his friends. He even was thrown in prison and beaten. Then he was taken to a public hanging. Get this. He survived. And then fled. All this while not knowing the name of the God he was serving, or having any information about the Bible. When he came to Thailand someone told him about Jesus, and he finally realized this was the God he was serving. Then someone told him about church, and he came to church for the first time. Jess just walked up to him one day to meet him and he told her his story. God is FAITHFUL!

Joseph is a refugee (there is more to this story but the details are sensitive). He came to Thailand to start a new life as a computer program tester. He met our church pastor about four years ago, and was intrigued that a man would move half way around the world to talk about Jesus. It seemed excessive. Though a devout Buddhist, he wanted to hear who this Jesus person was that would make some one do this. So he started following the pastor around and was amazed by the grace found in Jesus. He was one of the first church members. One year later he became a Christian and was baptized. He started being discipled by the pastor and three years later felt called to go to Cambodia to help start a sister church there. With the help of the church in Thailand, he now has a congregation of 100+ in Cambodia.  We see Gods work building his church when he uses a man who is 32 and has no formal Bible training. Its also very humbling. An added bonus (at least I think so) is that his church is almost 2 to 1 young males. Thank you God for raising up young men in Cambodia!

Amara was in jail for being an illegal prostitute. The only problem is that it was not her choice to come to Thailand illegally. She was brought here from Ethiopia after her family was tricked into believing that a guy had a promising job lined up for her in the middle east. After being forced to work there for a couple years she was brought to Bangkok. She was able to run away and get to a police station. When she told them her story they asked for her passport. She obviously did not have one, so they put her in jail as an illegal immigrant. While there she meets another lady with a similar story. She however has become a Christian and leads a church inside the prison. Amara soon becomes a Christian and starts to grow. She is connected to our church and they begin to help her try to get back to her home. They are able to complete the paper work and raise enough money for her to fly back home. Her most prized possession she is returning with is a new Bible that was given to her. She wants to share with her family and village about the God who saved her literally from slavery. Our God is for freedom!!

Please God use me. Change me. Fill me with faith. Let my life be about what you find as important, not the trivial problems I get caught up in!!

Have a great 2013 year. And please keep praying for the multi-ethnic population of Bangkok. Pray we can be humble enough to let ourselves be part of peoples stories no matter how small.

Johnmark and Jessica